101 Ways to Kill a Wizard, and other shorts
by LD Little Dragon
Summary: A series of irreverant short stories set in the Baldur's Gate universe.
1. 101 less 92 Ways to Kill a Wizard

Standard disclaimer: based on BG characters and settings, all owned by Bioware.

Warning: features Edwin dying, a lot.

For those who care: Konk is my own invention-a standard issue half-orc barbarian Bhaalspawn**  
**

**101 (less 92) Ways to Kill a Wizard**

**1. Death by Avariel**

Edwin: "Pst…Aerie"

Aerie: "What do you want wizard?"

Edwin: "I wanted to let you know something Thayvians say about your people, the Avariel."

Aerie: "Oh! Is..Is it something nice?"

Edwin: "Very nice."

Aerie: "Wh…what is it?"

Edwin: "The best parties must have an Avariel present. "

Aerie: "That's sweet. Why is that?"

Edwin: "They taste better than chicken!"

Aerie: "Oh that's it! You hor…horrible man." -casts polymorph to chicken spell-

Edwin: "Squawk!"

Aerie: "We'll s..see who tastes like ch..chicken!" -casts barbecue spell-

**2. Death by Banana**

Konk: "Hey wizard! Watch where you throw those fireballs of yours. You nearly fried me in that last battle."

Edwin: "Edwin do this, Edwin do that. Somebody get this jerk a banana.

Konk: "I already got a banana." -stuffs banana down Edwin's throat-

**3. Death by Concubines**

scene:The underdark, Ust Natha Inn

Konk: "Where is that wizard!"

Keldorn: "I believe he went upstairs where those decadent lust chambers are."

Mazzy: "That was two days ago."

Konk: "Well, maybe he's still there."

Keldorn: "Someone should go check."

Mazzy: "Not me."

Anomen: "Nuh-uh."

Konk: "Waddya lookin at me for?"

Keldorn: -sighs-"If I must. May Torm protect me."

Keldorn in lust chambers looking at dead wizard- "Well, at least he looks happy."

**4. Death by Ego**

scene: Spellhold meeting the inmates

Tiax: "I am Tiax!"

Edwin: "I am Edwin Odesserion!"

Tiax: "Tiax is great!"

Edwin: "I am magnificence personified!"

Tiax: "Tiax rules, Tiax rules all!"

Edwin: "I am the greatest wizard ever!"

Irenicus: "Arrrgh! Enough!" -casts multiple disintegrate spells-

**5. Death by Embarrassment**

Edwin: "My, my magic, it won't work!"

Konk: "That's alright Eddie, we don't mind."

Mazzy: "I'm sure it happens to all the wizards sometimes."

Edwin: "But it's never happened to **me** before!"

Konk: "It's okay, we won't think of you as any less of a…wizard."

Edwin: "No, no, NOOOOOO!" -keels over-

**6. Death by Irritability**

Anomen: "Edwin!"

Edwin: "I'm busy."

Mazzy: "Wizard!"

Edwin: "Go bother someone else."

Keldorn: "Odesseiron!"

Edwin: "What is it now!"

Keldorn: "Your robe's on fire."

Edwin: "Aaagh!" -sizzling sound-

**7. Death by Jansen**

Edwin: "Go away gnome."

Jan: "But, gee, Red, I was just reminded of a story…-scribe: _no, I'm sorry, I just can't do that-_

**8. Death by Paladin**

Edwin: "Greetings baby paladin."

Mazzy: "Watch yourself wizard."

Edwin: "Please don't threaten me, my kneecaps are worried."

Mazzy: "I cannot let your evil live!"

Edwin: "Hah! Hahaha…erk, ack, gurgle."

**9. Death by Pride**

Edwin: "Bah! I alone could defeat you."

Konk: "Hey Eddie, that's a red dragon you're threatening."

Edwin: "I know that simian, go away you're not needed."

Dragon: "So you want to fight little fools?"

Konk: "Nope, we're leaving."

Edwin: "Flee, you worthless monkeys."

Konk, Keldorn, Anomen, and Mazzy: "See ya Eddie."

Dragon: "Well foolish one?"

Edwin: "Fear me!" -attacks dragon-

dragon-1, Edwin-0

NOTE: to all Edwin fans (I know you're out there)-I'm sure all those good-aligned characters resurrected the Red One. 


	2. Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home

**To my reviewers: **Thank you all!

Disclaimer: based on BG characters and settings, all owned by Bioware.

This next story has no dead wizards in it, just a couple of Firkraag's henchmen developing some brains, but to tide you over here's one more Way to Kill a Wizard:

**Death by Hubris**

Edwin: "Elminster this, Elminster that. Give ME 2000 years and a pointy hat, and I'll kick his arse!"

Elminster: "Ho, noble travellers. And red-robed idiot. Well met."

Edwin: "Go away old buzzard, can't you see I'm ranting here?"

Elminster: -waves little pinky at Edwin- "Annoying gnats, just once it would be nice if I wasn't the one who had to squash them. Now, where I was I?"

Now, on to a real story, with a plot, characters, and everything:

**Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home**

"Kill the farmers, terrorize the peasants, don't eat the goblins ... I'm getting bored with this whole business," complained the fair-haired soldier to his darker companion.

"Ah, quit whining Falik, it's a living."

"I don't know Grancor," Falik said thoughtfully. "Firkraag's been stirring up a lot of trouble; what if some of those Radiant Heart boys come investigating?"

"Then we'll eat well, those knights are tough, but wonderfully filling," Grancor said as he clouted his friend on the back. His eyes glowed slightly red as he thought eagerly of battling a worthy opponent. He straightened when he spotted someone coming across the walkway. "Look lively, Falik, the Captain's coming."

"At ease, lads," the Captain said as he hurried along the corridor. "The master's lured some adventurers here for his games, and you're to greet them if they come this way. Tell your pack leader to prepare the standard ambush."

"Not that again," Falik moaned after the Captain had moved past them. "Why do they always want us to try that ambush, it never works. So much simpler just to shift and pounce on the enemy from the beginning."

"It is fun to play with your food," Grancor said cheerfully. He poked his head into the leader's office to let him know adventurers were coming their way.

Falik was becoming uneasy as he waited, and waited, in the small room for the promised adventurers to show up. The longer he waited, the more uncomfortable he got. When the pack had first begun working for Firkraag in the Windspear Hills' ruins; many adventurers and soldiers tried coming after him. But recently, Firkraag had increased the security in his domains. It had been over a month since any creature had made it as far as the pack territory.

"Grancor?" he asked hesitantly.

"What is it?" Grancor growled.

"I heard Firkraag found some vampires and mummies to hide in the lower levels. Along with the hobgoblins, orcs, shadows, and whatever else was already there."

"Yeah, so?"

"So, if those adventurers make it this far ... they'll have fought their way here," Falik said.

"You saying you're afraid? You a coward?" Grancor said as he bared his teeth.

Falik showed his teeth in response, and growled, daring Grancor to challenge him. When Grancor backed down, Falik continued speaking. "I'm just saying, we probably couldn't survive a fight with all the guards in the lower levels, so anyone who does may actually be ... er ... stronger than ... us."

"Don't worry," Grancor said as he leaned back against the wall and shut his eyes. "We probably won't even see those guys."

"But if we do," Falik persisted, "I don't want to fight them; I'd kind of like to see my pups grow up."

"Don't even think about deserting," his friend said as he looked around uneasily. "Firkraag would track you down and add your pelt to his treasure hoard."

"Did you hear that?" Falik asked.

"Yep, sounds like those adventurers are headed this way," Grancor answered as the sounds of battle drifted through the door. He jumped when a loud crash shook the floor. "What the hell was that!"

"I don't know, last I knew, the only guards in that hallway were some orcs and that ghost thing in the old well. There goes another crash, maybe the ceiling caved in or something," Falik said nervously.

"Shh," Grancor said as he listened. "I think I hear them coming this way."

"Alright!" he said when the door began to open. He straightened his ill-fitting armour and tousled his hair in an attempt to look harried and desperate. "It's show time," he whispered to his companion. "You! You will please help?" Grancor pleaded with the leader of the band of bloodied warriors who came into the room.

Falik looked at them askance. They were big, and very well armed. The leader, the one Grancor was talking with, sported arms like tree trunks, and carried a very large sword that kept screaming: "Kill kill kill kill KILL! Whoo hoo!" until its owner banged it against the wall a few times. Falik didn't like the looks of the other warriors either, the grey-haired paladin, the sour-looking fellow brandishing a huge hammer and sporting a symbol of Helm, the unhappy looking ranger in the back, and even the small, red-headed halfling woman looked fiercer than Falik's old woman. He was afraid the perky, harmless looking girl with the pink hair was incredibly dangerous as well.

Grancor was merrily chattering on, trying to lure the strangers into an ambush. "We are lost in this place, adventurers like you! We have been trapped here for days upon days, and need a healer's touch most immediately! Come! Come this way!"

"Why have you been left alone?" the leader said as his brow wrinkled with confusion. Falik snuck around the wall and looked down the corridor to see where the adventurers had come from. His breath caught when he saw the massive shapes that were strewn along the crosswalk.

"Grancor, hold on a minute," Falik said as he interrupted Grancor's less than convincing story of woe.

"What is it," Grancor growled, annoyed at the interruption.

"Pardon me, good sirs," Falik said to the now confused invaders. "But is that an Adamantium Golem I see lying demolished back the way you came from?"

"Oh yes," said the cheerful, pink-haired one. "This dungeon is littered with those little annoyances."

"They killed it?" Grancor said as his eyes bugged out.

"Never mind that," the leader said dismissively. "What were you saying about those wounded men of yours?"

"So you guys think you could, uh, take on a red dragon?" Falik asked.

"Certainly! They are creatures of vast evil and must be destroyed," answered the one with the priest's symbol.

"Excuse us a moment," Falik said as he pulled Grancor into a corner. They whispered together for a few moments, and then nodded as they came to an agreement.

"We humbly apologize," Falik said to the leader. "I am afraid we have been attempting to trick your noble selves into an ambush. We are terribly sorry for our actions and humbly ask that you allow us to leave this place alive. We will promise not to ever, ever work for that evil Firkraag again." He elbowed Grancor in the ribs, and Grancor mumbled his own apologies.

Falik fidgeted nervously as the imposing strangers conferred amongst themselves. He breathed a sigh of relief when the leader turned to them and said they could go.

Grancor felt obligated to inform their former leader that the ambush had failed and he knocked on the door to the ambush room. "Hey Koga," he said irreverently. "The ambush failed, Falik and I don't want to fight the adventurers, and we're heading home now."

"Treacherous curs!" shouted Koga. "We'll deal with you traitors after we destroy the foolish trespassers." He shifted shape and led the rest of the waiting soldiers to the attack.

"Werewolves!" shouted the halfling warrior as the pack attacked. Grancor ducked around the fight, and joined Falik as he trotted away from the battle.

"Do you think we should be worried about deserting?" Grancor asked his friend.

"Are you kidding?" he answered as they walked across the bodies of golems and orcs. They turned down another corridor and saw the remains of another pack of werewolves the adventurers had met earlier. "Looks like Brin's boys were all destroyed."

"Alright, things are looking up," Grancor said. He hastened to explain when Falik was perplexed by Grancor's cheerful statement. "Someone will have to break the news to Brin's poor, bereaved mate, if you get my meaning."

"Honestly Grancor, there are other things at stake here," Falik sighed.

"Yeah, namely, just what to say when we reach the home den," Grancor grinned. "We'll have to come up with a good story about our final, brave deeds in the service of the (soon to be) late Lord Firkraag."


	3. Illasera, Daughter of Bhaal

To Celestine, Liilrya, and Incanto: thanks for the reviews :-) 

This short is not really a humour story; it's a twisting of the BG Saga written for the attic quiz 157 'Dark Mirror' which asked us to reverse the nature of our characters. Well, I changed a different player in the game.

**  
**

**Illasera, Daughter of Bhaal**

Walking with an easy grace, Illasera the quick, a slim dark-haired elven archer, regarded the orderly camp with approving eyes. Her sister had garnered many new followers since the last time Illasera had visited her. Most of the busy people were Drow, but other races mingled with the dark elves. Illasera was watched by many eyes, but only the children dared to stare at her openly.

"Divine one?" an older drow male said timidly.

"Please," Illasera replied. "I am only a messenger; there is no need to be so reverent to me."

"As my lady wishes," he answered with a bow. "Mistress Sendai has sent me to escort you to her."

Illasera followed him gladly, but could not help feeling a bit unnerved when they reached the warrior's section of Sendai's camp. She knew raids and attacks on Bhaal's children and their followers were common, and it was only sensible to defend the enclaves, but Illasera still detested the thought of blood being shed by those who accepted Bhaal's philosophy. Illasera was relieved when they left the fighters behind them, and reached the tunnels that led to Sendai's underground base. "That will be all, thank you," she said as she dismissed her guide. "I can find my way from here."

Illasera winced as she heard the moans of many injured, and sick, people coming from the chamber ahead of her. Sendai could be heard, chanting in a strong, vibrant voice. Illasera waited until the rites were over, and greeted her sister when she came out of the room.

"Illasera! How very good to see you." Sendai said happily. "I trust you are well?"

"I am," Illasera answered, and flushed a bit as she thought of her recent experiences in the Amn city of Athkatla. She tried to preach the philosophy of Bhaal to the various races and classes that lived in the city, but had been arrested and thrown into a dank prison cell by the Amn authorities. Illasera was ashamed because she allowed her new friends to risk their lives smuggling her out of the hostile city.

Illasera was soon jolted out of her remembrances, and brought back to the present, by a shocking sight. The unmistakable form of a mind flayer glided out of the room Sendai had come from, and set off with an easy familiarity down the corridor.

"Oh yes," Sendai laughed when she saw Illasera's bewildered look. "You have not yet met Mithykl; he is a recent convert to our cause."

"I did not think Mind Flayers were capable of understanding Bhaal's teachings," Illasera stated.

"Nonsense," Sendai said cheerfully. "All sentient beings can hear and understand Bhaal's message. Mithykl is more exotic then some, but I have hopes that it will serve as a teacher to its fellow Illithids."

"Of course," Illasera blushed. "Forgive me, sometimes I fear the blood of our Father is wasted in one such as me."

"Come now, sister," Sendai chided. "You are far too modest, we have heard of your Amn activities."

"I had to flee in a most cowardly manner, and the Order of the Radiant Heart put a price on my head," Illasera replied, embarrassed.

"That means you met with success, my dear," Sendai said comfortingly. "They only persecute you if people are responding to your message. I suspect some of the Order's own ranks are beginning to question the human bias of their organization."

"Perhaps, but sometimes I fear we shall all be sacrificed to the cause. Yaga Shura has been forced to turn his retreat into a veritable fortress; he has been attacked so many times," Illasera sighed. "I bring messages from him and some of the others, by the way, and Balthazar sends his personal regards."

Sendai took the stack of letters eagerly, and led Illasera to her office. Once there, Sendai read the messages, and sent a young human to bring food and drink for Illasera. Illasera watched Sendai anxiously, she knew what was in the letters, and saw sorrow cross the Drow's features when she came to the news about Sarevok's death.

"Sarevok gone," Sendai frowned. "I..I expected it, he was far too successful in gaining followers in Baldur's Gate, it was only a matter of time before one of the power factions there tried to assassinate him. I wish it had not been one of our own who struck him down, though."

"It was the Candlekeep Bhaalson that Sarevok warned us about earlier," Illasera replied, then laughed bitterly. "Sarevok said the boy was strongly marked by Bhaal's essence, but he denied the urges of his blood. More than denied, he took pride in fighting against the essence. The Candlekeep killer has given himself the name of Discord."

"I see," Sendai said grimly. "It is hard to deny the blood, but some do manage it."

"Though all of Discord's actions did serve Lord Bhaal's design in the end," Illasera observed. "The bickering factions in Baldur's Gate, who were persecuting Sarevok and his followers, have joined together to denounce Sarevok's murder, and his followers are now allowed to preach undisturbed."

"Discord may try to create chaos, but his actions will, in the end, only serve our Father's design," Sendai remarked. "For order follows in Discord's path, as in the paths of all the children of Bhaal, Lord of Harmony."

**Prophecies of Alaundo:**

**During the days of the Avatars, the Lord of Harmony will father a score of mortal progeny. These offspring will be aligned good and evil, but order will flow through them all. When the Martyr's blessed children come of age, they will bring balance to the lands of the Sword Coast. These children are their father's legacy. Together they will shape the history of the Sword Coast for centuries to come...**

**The progeny of the Lord of Harmony are fated to come into their inheritance through sacrifice and suffering. It is the hope of their father that most shall remain alive to inherit his legacy. I foresee that the children of Bhaal shall join each other in sacred unity.**


	4. Minsc's New Witch

**As before: many thanks to my reviewers**

warning: character death

inspired by Minsc's in-game banters with female Edwin - blame bioware.

Features the nether-scroll gender altered Edwin and won't make much sense if you're not familiar with the Umar Hills (Shade Lord) quest.

**  
Minsc's New Witch**

**or Scenes From The Umar Hills**

**Meeting the Mayor**

Minister Lloyd: -shrieks- Oh my word, the Drow are attacking! I feel faint. Er ... take my wife and money, but spare me.

Korgan: Arr, quit yer whinin' ye limp-wristed longleg. Do I look like a pansy elf to you?

Minister Lloyd: You're not here to kill me?

Korgan: Wasn't, but I'm thinkin' about it now.

Viconia: No, foolish male. My companions and I are simple adventurers.

Edwina: Speak for yourself, lackwit. Edwina Odesseiron is no common man, er, woman.

Viconia: -kicks Edwina- As I was saying, we heard your village was in dire need of assistance.

Korgan: Aye, pay us an' we'll take care of your little problem.

Edwina: Gold in advance, monkey-leader.

Minister Lloyd: Ah, thank you, but I've already hired the famous knight Mazzy Fentan and her troupe. So we won't need your services. Terribly, terribly sorry.

Korgan: Drat ye, elf. We've come all this way for nothin'!

Edwina: Unless something happens to this Mazzy (an unfortunate meeting with a fireball, perhaps) and she fails in her task.

**The Umar Inn, at the table hidden in the shadows**

Korgan: Look at th' do-gooder in th' shiny armour. Thinks she's better than us, ye can tell. Probably just do th' job fer free too. Waste o' a good reward.

Viconia: Not a decent looking warrior in the party. Although that big one with the purple tattoo might be good for an hour or two of entertainment.

Edwina: What big one ... erg. (calm, calm, the witch is dead, and the ranger's a moron.)

Korgan: Friend o' yours she-wizard?

Viconia: Oh, now I recognize him. That's the slave of the Rashmani witch. -pokes Edwina in ribs- Didn't you say he chased you out of the Bhaalspawn's party after you insulted his dead witch?

Edwina: He most certainly did not! I refused to consort with the riff-raff that collected around that barbarian fool. It looks like Konk drank a potion of wisdom and finally got the wits to dump Minsc.

Korgan: So, how do you propose we kill them and get on wi' the gold-getting?

Viconia: We don't, you idiot man-thing. We will do nothing to interfere with Mazzy's group.

Korgan: Are ye goin' soft on me, dark one?

Viconia: See if you can follow this, axe-brain. We let them do the fighting ...

Edwina: And then we ambush them on the way back! Hah, bask in the glory that is Edwina Odesseiron. My plan is brilliant. They always are.

Viconia: growls Just go bug Minsc.

Edwina: What?

Viconia: Go plant your familiar on Minsc so we can track Mazzy's party.

Edwina: I will not! Poor little Biter will be poisoned by that big oaf's blood.

Viconia: Then put your flea on the hamster, Edwina.

**The Umar Inn, at the best table**

Mazzy: I don't like the looks of you, woman. You have the stench of evil about you.

Edwina: You're the one who smells like a dung ... er ... that is, I am so happy to meet such famous adventurers as yourselves. (Yes, yes, this horrible female affliction has it's advantages. The perfect disguise.)

Aerie: I..is this woman mad, or drunk?

Minsc: You bear handsome features, though they are familiar, too. Edwin's sister perhaps? Aye, Boo sees the resemblance. You are his superior in your manner though.

Edwina: Aaah! I do not know this Edwin you speak of, but he must be a handsome, charming fellow if he resembles me.

Minsc: He is an evil, evil Red Wizard who will be stomped well and truly by the boots of goodness if I see him.

Edwina: ---

Minsc: Do you like hamsters? Boo likes you.

Edwina: If you do not wish to be the proud owner of a very small rug you will ... coughs ... may I hold the cute little fellow?

Minsc: Certainly, pretty lady.

Edwina: -whispers- Yes, just burrow on there Biter. That's a good boy. Ouch! The nasty little, darling, rodent bit me.

Minsc: Boo is sorry, he just wanted to give you a little love bite. Minsc's witch is a healer she could make that better.

Aerie: Do I have to?

Edwina: Don't touch me! I will ... just be going now. -walks away- (I will kill ALL of them. Slowly. With ... with HOT ... pokey things and ... and coals and ... and prods. Yessssss, prods. Many, many prods.)

Minsc: I think she warms to our company, Boo. See how she looks longingly?

**Back at the unpopular table**

Korgan: I saw ye simperin' over there, mage. Ye almost looked like a real female.

Edwina: Naturally. My talents run to more than the mastery of the magical mysteries. I am a superb actor as well.

Korgan: Aye, and ye are a fine lookin' woman at th' moment! Ach, ye have no beard to speak of, but I be a man of the world, and able to look past such things. I've a mind to show ye my favourite weapon if'n ye're nice to me.

Edwina: Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

Korgan: Arrgh! Bloody spellcasters. Ye burnt me lovely beard you blasted imitation ... gurk.

Minsc: Are you bothering the pretty lady, little man?

Edwina: Put him down, you cretin! I can throttle the dwarf without any help from the likes of you. Mind your own concerns, you stone-headed oaf!

Minsc: Such a temperament! Fire in her belly and not afraid to spit in an eye! It reminds me of the fighting women of my homeland! Ah sweet lady, you bring me tears.

Edwina: Tears indeed! Stand away lest I bring you a fireball as well!

Viconia: A worthy effort, Edwina, but you let the male leave unharmed. Do not worry, in time we shall make a proper female of you.

**Outside the Temple Ruins, source of the Umar Hills troubles**

Korgan: I'm bored.

Viconia: Then by all means, go down into the ruined temple. I'm sure the shadows and skeletons will provide ample entertainment.

Korgan: I'm bored, not suicidal, elf.

Edwina: Shh, shh, be quiet or I'll lose my connection to Biter. All right, they're entering a vast cavern. What is that? Big, black, scaly, oooh, Mazzy's group have found a shade dragon. What a magnificent creature! No, no, don't stand there and get clobbered you oaf. Don't you dare get my familiar killed!

Viconia: Edwina? How's the fight going?

Edwina: The mini monkey wench has botched it. Half her party's down. Yes! Yes that insipid elf is dead. Oh wait, that's not good. Now Minsc is going berserk. Biter, jump off that suicidal hamster if he won't leave Minsc. What do you mean he's moving too fast? I order you to ... oh, never mind.

Edwina: It's alright now.

Viconia: They killed the dragon.

Edwina: No, that fool ranger blundered out of the cavern in his blind rage. All Mazzy's people seem to be dead, and Minsc is coming back this way. Biter's going to be fine.

Viconia: Why couldn't they have killed the dragon, and **then** died?

Korgan: Inconsiderate bunch.

Minsc: Minsc is a bad protector! Again his witch is dead and he is not!

Edwina: Hold still, a flame arrow should take care of that.

Viconia: Edwina!

Edwina: What?

Viconia: We could use Minsc to distract the dragon. He likes you, go comfort him.

Edwina: Er, there, there.

Minsc: -sniffles- Aerie!

Edwina: Follow us, Minsc. I promise we'll let you die first.

Minsc: Promise?

Edwina: If I have to kill you myself.

Korgan: You make me sick wi' all th' mush talk, wizard.

**After rescuing Mazzy, and slaying the Shadow Dragon**

Korgan: Sorriest excuse for a dragon horde I've ever seen. Less treasure than me mam could shake outta her clothes after a proper session wi' th' boys.

Mazzy: You lot stop poking over the treasure and get over here. The evil Shade Lord still lives. We must avenge the innocent and my brave companions.

Viconia: You surfacers are better off for having the weak destroyed by this Shade Lord.

Edwina: The reward that Minister Lloyd offered wasn't really all that much.

Minsc: But Minsc is still alive! You promised I could die avenging little Aerie!

Edwina: You were supposed to die fighting the dragon!

Mazzy: If there is any shred of decency in you, I beseech you to aid me in cleansing this temple of the evil that has defiled it.

Korgan: The Shade Lord's killed a lot o' people. Probably collected some decent swag as well.

Edwina: Or even better, some powerful magic scrolls.

Viconia: I think we could persuade the Minister to increase our reward, as well. Very well, we will see how powerful this Shade Lord is.

**After the Shade Lord's defeat**

Mazzy: Despite your ... dubious motives, you have served the cause of righteousness today, and I feel compelled to thank you.

Korgan: We'd rather you paid us, girl.

Viconia: I want no confusion. The treasures we've found, and the reward for saving Imnesvale is ours, and not to be claimed by you, halfling.

Mazzy: I am no common mercenary; I require no compensation for my just deeds. Come, Minsc, let us leave these ... people. May the gods see that they receive all that they deserve.

Minsc: Boo and Minsc cannot go with the little knight lady. We must stay with Minsc's new witch.

Edwina: Me? I'm no witch you demented creature. (Do I look like a witch? Do I? Oh ... yes ... I suppose I do.)

Mazzy: I will not allow this, Minsc. That, that female of questionable morals, will lead you to your death. Why she shoved you into the path of an attacking shade! And then she cast a fireball directly at you!

Edwina: Of course I did! That was the plan, wait for the shades to attack the bait, and then burn them all. (And if the bait had died, so much the better. All that mattered is that I survived.)

Minsc: See? Minsc's new witch is very smart. Boo says she is sure to live longer than Minsc.

Edwina: I look forwards to the day I bury you, cretin.

Minsc: Minsc is so happy!

Edwina: Put me down at once! Or I'll drop another fireball on your head!

Korgan: 'Tis enough to turn this dwarf's stomach.

Viconia: Aye, Edwina spent far too many years as a male. It made her soft.


	5. Carbos and Shank, Trailer Park Boys

From the Attic Quiz 154: In an Alternate Universe, where I envisioned some Baldur's Gate characters as Trailer Park people.

Disclaimer: vulgar language (partially deleted), crude and a bit obscene.

Complete rip-off of Trailer Park Boys

I just thought Carbos and Shank equal Cory and Trevor and went on from there, don't expect great literature, really. Or a plot.

If you've never heard of the series Trailer Park Boys, don't worry, all you have to know is that it's a mockumentary about the disreputable inhabitants of a low-class trailer park.

**Carbos and Shank : Trailer Park Boys**

Interviewer: since our regular subjects, Edwin and Khalid, have been incarcerated, _again_, this week we will be focusing on two of the younger members of the Sunnyvale community, Carbos and Shank.

-panoramic view of the Sunnyvale Trailer Park, ending with a shot of two lanky, stunned-looking youngsters sitting on a dilapidated picnic table, outside a small trailer.

Carbos: You want to f-----g talk about us? Dude! That's like mother f-----g awsome!

Shank: Is this 'cause Edwin and Khalid are in jail again? Cause that s--t was totally not our fault.

Carbos: Yeah, how were we supposed to know that f-----g whore was a cop.

Shank: Edwin's plan was f-----g brilliant man. Almost worked this time too.

Carbos: You think they're mad at us Shank?

Shank: Nah, the best g-d----d booze and drugs are in jail, and it _wasn't our fault a-----e_.

Carbos: So like, we're just sorry they got caught, cause that f-----g Keldorn gets on our a----s when he's not chasing after Edwin and Khalid.

Shank: And that shirtless p---k Anomen. Thinks he's such a big shot just 'cause he's the f-----g assistant trailer park supervisor. Guy just fell apart after the police academy kicked him out. If Keldorn ever f-----g wises up and gets rid of the arrogant c---s----r he'll back right back where he was before Keldorn hired him.

Carbos: On the street, selling his a-- for a f-----g cheeseburger. P---k.

Shank: And that s--t Keldorn's not much better. F----d his way to the job, like, for real man.

Carbos: His ex-wife Mazzy just lets him run her park cause she feels sorry for the dumb f--k. Getting kicked off the police force and all.

Shank: Only now the b-----d gets to play cop on our turf.

-cut to inside of trailer, shot of trailer park supervisor Keldorn, a middle-aged, frustrated man, and beside him the assistant trailer park supervisor Anomen, a younger, muscular man with a pot belly, eating a hamburger, and not wearing a shirt.

Keldorn: Carbos and Shank? A couple of rotten little b-----ds. I know they're up to something, the little p----ks worship those two f---ups, Edwin and Khalid, and will end up as no-good trash just like those two.

Anomen: Yes, Mr. Keldorn.

-back to Carbos and Shank, now talking to Jan, a small man with very thick spectacles who is tinkering with a broken shopping cart.

Carbos: Come on man, you're like Edwin and Khalid's best f-----g friend, you gotta tell us where Khalid hid his seeds. We can like, grow the little f----rs for them so they'll have a stake when they get out of jail.

Jan: I'm not listening to you little b-----ds. You'll just f--k it up like always. -sees the cameraman- What are you guys doing here already, Edwin and Khalid won't be out for a couple more months. What do you mean you want me to talk about Carbos and Shank? What the f--k for?

-Shank and Carbos start walking and approach a young man dressed like an elf, although he is obviously human.

G-roc : It's f-----g hard to be an elf today, ain't got no memory, no time for reverie...

Carbos: Hey G-roc, looking good man.

Shank: Word.

G-roc: Keep your f-----g heads up, motherf----rs.

-they walk away from G-roc

interviewer: didn't that use to be Garrick?

Carbos: Hey, he's like G-roc now.

Shank: Yeah, and most every f----r in the park thinks of him as an elf now, it's not G-roc's fault he wasn't born a g-d-----d elf.

Carbos: F-----g bard got's balls too man. Got caught jacking off by his g-d-----d mom before his first concert, and then got up on stage and sung about it. S--t!

Shank: I saw my Grandda f-----g my Grandma once.

Carbos: Dude! That's like, f--k, screw you up for life.

Shank: They weren't alone either. Our neighbour, Bob, was there too, I saw his f-----g c--k and everything.

Carbos: S--t man.

-cut to shot of a prison visiting room. Seated at plain table, dressed in prison orange (almost red), are the suave Edwin, who somehow managed to have a drink at hand, and the man with the puppy-dog eyes, Khalid.

Edwin: I almost had it this time. Freedom 35, I'd never have to f-----g work again. I should never have trusted those little f-----g simians. (The plan was perfect, perfect.)

Khalid: Th..those two little s..s--ts never do anything right.

Edwin: Things will be different when I get out. My next plan will be f-----g great. I got a line on the new dope, Black lotus.

Khalid: I don't know, Edwin. I..I think this time I better try to keep my a-- out of jail. I mean, I f-----g love it here b..but I can't be in here and be a good daddy to Imoen at the same time. I think Jaheira might be willing to take me back for good this time. See, I figure ...

Edwin: Khalid, they want us to talk about Carbos and Shank (miserable little a-----e f---ups.)

Khalid: What the f--k for? This show is s..supposed to be about my f-----g life.

-cut to two women standing on the porch of a medium-sized trailer, Jaheira is wearing a strapless sundress and looks wistful, the red-haired Nalia has a look of disgust on her face.

Jaheira: I like Khalid, even if he is a s---ty father to poor little Imoen, but I have to say the way he and Edwin treat Carbos and Shank is g-d-----d horrible.

Nalia: Those two boys really look up to Edwin and Khalid, they're like f-----g role models, you know? And Edwin and Khalid just treat them like f-----g dirt.

Jaheira: Watch your language around my f-----g daughter, will ya?

Imoen: -looks up from where she is playing with some empty whisky bottles- Don't f-----g worry about me.

Jaheira: Imoen! You will not use bad language around here. Do you want to end up like your worthless father?

-cut to Carbos and Shank who are ripping apart Khalid's trailer

Carbos: S--t man! There ain't nothing here.

Shank: Maybe we should f-----g ask them where the stuff is.

Carbos: Great idea s---brain.


End file.
